Yoga and the Catfish

Yoga and the Catfish

 

 

          Having a bum back restricts me from a lot of activities and sometimes makes me feel like the fragile child whose mother doesn’t allow them to play with the neighbor kids out of fear that he will get hurt. Here at Fort Knox, everyone who is part of the Warrior Transition Battalion has to participate in one hour of extra activities a week. They have several activities for us to participate in ranging from spin classes on the exercise bikes to swimming pool basketball but, like I said, I am the fragile child and am not allowed to do these fun activities. What I can do, well somewhat, is yoga. Yep, the tree loving, hippie stretches that you see people doing to the sounds of rushing water and birds chirping. This activity as far as I’m concerned is the complete opposite of who I am. I don’t like hippies, or stretching, or the sound of rushing water (makes me want to pee), but I do like birds chirping so I agreed to do it.

            I immediately fell in love with yoga when I seen what our first stretching position was. Lying flat on your back. Yep, that is a stretch, and I have to say, I am pretty good at it. I am sure the instructor was pleased to see that for a beginner, I was working at an advanced level. While totally mastering “road kill possum” (not an official name, that is what I called this position) the instructor started saying soothing things like different body parts to relax, take in the noises around you, and other things like that and I started thinking about a big old catfish laying on the bottom of the river. This 80 lb flathead catfish is just relaxing on the slick river mud, letting the cool water run over his slimy skin, waiting on some stupid little fish to swim in front of him so he can chow down. Then I realize that I am day dreaming and we have changed positions.

            Now we are lying on our backs with our knees pulled to our chests, still relaxing, and still taking in the noises around us. That is when I realize that I have a case of bubble gut brewing and with my knees pulled to my chest I am just making about to turn this position into a “startled skunk” (also a name that I have given to a yoga position.) Luckily we change positions again without a negligent discharge from my body. We rotate thru several different stretches, some that hurt my back so I revert back to “road kill possum” until we move on to something else. After going thru all the yoga positions I can handle she puts us back in “road kill possum” and starts talking all soothing again. Starting with our feet, she goes thru each step until we are totally relaxed and I am once again a fat and happy catfish lying on the river bottom. Then I remember a video I seen on fieldandstream.com of some big catfish lying next to a rivers edge watching pigeons on the bank. As these pigeons would get close to the water to get something to drink, the catfish would spring their attack like killer whales on waddling seals and drag their feathered prey back into the murky waters.

            I start seeing myself as this catfish, the pigeons are getting close to the edge and I am hungry. My belly rumbles. Man I am starving; I hope that pigeon gets a little bit closer. The pigeon does get closer; he puts his little beak into the cool water and gets a drink. Time for me to spring my attack. I watch as the catfish curves its tail, coils its muscles, and shoots out a stream of bubbles behind it as the jet propulsion sends it forward…wait a minute. Bubbles in the water? I suddenly notice that I have fallen asleep and something stinks. I open my eyes and look at the guy next to me and he is sitting up with a disgusted look on his face.

Crap! I have just used the dreaded “startled skunk.”

            I start to laugh as the smell gets to the instructor and she has to end the class early. I try to blame it on a skunk that is possibly outside or maybe the guy next to me may have stepped in dog poo on his way to the class but she does not agree with my ideas and knows that I have created my own yoga position. All in all though, yoga really wasn’t that bad. I got to relax, my sore muscles are stretched out, and I got to see myself as a pigeon eating catfish. Though, I am sure the instructor will not want me to return to the class, most likely because I have mastered her skills as well as creating some of my own.